The Flicker in the Room

Nina sat at the kitchen table staring at the cold cup of tea in front of her. She had asked her partner, James, three times already:

"But you did say you'd come to my sister's graduation, right?"

James looked at her, eyebrows raised as if she had just accused him of something outrageous.

"I never said that. You must be imagining things again. You always twist my words."

Nina's stomach dropped. She remembered him saying it. She remembered the car ride, the way he casually promised, "Of course I'll be there." But now, faced with his calm certainty, her memory suddenly felt unreliable.

Maybe she had misunderstood? Maybe she was making a big deal out of nothing?

Over the next few minutes, James continued:

• "You're too sensitive."
• "You always overreact."
• "It's not that serious—why are you creating drama?"

By the end of the conversation, Nina wasn't upset with him anymore. She was upset with herself. She apologized, hugged him, and decided not to bring it up again.

Later that night, she lay in bed replaying the scene. Her heart knew something was off, but her mind whispered, "Maybe he's right. Maybe I'm just difficult."

This is gaslighting in action. It doesn't announce itself with flashing red lights. It creeps in like a flicker in a lamp—subtle at first, but soon the whole room feels distorted.

The word gaslighting actually comes from a 1938 play, Gas Light, later turned into a film. In the story, a husband manipulates his wife into believing she's losing her mind. He dims the gas lights in their home, then denies anything has changed. When she points it out, he insists she's imagining it. The more he twists reality, the more she doubts her own sanity—until she becomes fully dependent on him.

Psychologist Dr. Robin Stern, author of The Gaslight Effect, describes gaslighting as "the attempt of one person to overwrite another person's reality."

It is not just lying. It's lying plus denial of your perception. It's not just criticism. It's eroding your trust in yourself.

And while the word comes from a play set in 1938 London, the script still plays out in kitchens, offices, and families today.

Gaslighting often hides inside everyday phrases:

• "You're too sensitive."
• "That never happened."
• "You're imagining things."
• "You're crazy."
• "You're always overreacting."
• "If you really loved me, you wouldn't say that."

At first, these may sound like ordinary disagreements. But here's the difference:

• In healthy conflict, two people can remember an event differently and work through it with curiosity.
• In gaslighting, one person insists the other's memory, feelings, or perception are fundamentally wrong—over and over again.

Gaslighting works because it creates confusion. And confusion is powerful. When you can't trust what you saw, heard, or felt, you start to lean on the other person to tell you what's real. That dependency is exactly what the gaslighter thrives on.

Relationship therapist Esther Perel often says that power in relationships isn't always about dominance—it's about who defines the story. Gaslighting is one person grabbing the pen and rewriting the other person's narrative.

Imagine this: You're sitting at dinner with your partner. Last week, they snapped at you in front of friends. It stung, and tonight, you gently bring it up:

"Hey, when you said that thing at Sarah's party, it really embarrassed me. Could you not do that again?"

They look at you blankly.

"What are you talking about? That never happened. You must be mixing things up."

Your cheeks burn. You know it happened. But they look so calm, so certain.

You start doubting: Did I mishear? Am I being dramatic? Maybe I should just drop it…

That's the slippery slope. Over time, these micro-denials pile up. You stop bringing things up. You stop trusting yourself. You become smaller, quieter, more apologetic.

Not every gaslighter is a villain stroking a mustache. People gaslight for different reasons:

1. Conscious Manipulation
   Some people gaslight deliberately—to control, to gain power, or to avoid accountability. This is the most dangerous form.
2. Unconscious Defense
   Others may not realize they're gaslighting. They can't face their own shame, so they rewrite reality instead. Brené Brown, who has spent decades studying shame, notes that shame loves denial and deflection. Gaslighting can become a shield against admitting fault.
3. Learned Behavior
   Many people grow up in families where gaslighting was normal. If a child hears, "Stop crying, nothing happened," whenever they're hurt, they learn that feelings are not to be trusted. Later, they may unconsciously pass that pattern on.

Gaslighting is harmful in all its forms. But understanding the "why" can help victims realize: "This isn't about me being broken. This is about them avoiding something in themselves."

Gaslighting isn't limited to romance:

• Workplace: A boss shifts blame onto employees. "I never approved that project—you must've misunderstood."
• Family: A parent denies abuse or neglect. "We never hit you. You're exaggerating."
• Friendship: A friend dismisses repeated hurt. "You're too sensitive, I was just joking."

Each version carries its own scars. In families, it can fracture your identity. At work, it can erode your confidence.

1. 
   

   The good news? Gaslighting loses its grip once you can name it. Here are steps survivors and therapists often recommend:

   1. Name It
      Just labeling behavior as gaslighting can be freeing.

   2. Reality Checks
      Journaling helps anchor facts when memory gets foggy.

   3. Seek External Voices
      Talk to trusted friends or a therapist. Outsiders can confirm what's true.

   4. Boundaries
      You may need to limit contact—or leave the relationship.

   5. Rebuild Self-Trust
      Healing takes time. Mindfulness and small self-affirmations help reconnect you with your inner compass.

2. 
   

Let's return to Nina.

Months after those late-night doubts, she began writing things down—dates, promises, small details. At first, it was just to "help her memory." But soon, the pattern was undeniable.

When she shared her notebook with a close friend, the friend's eyes widened.

"Nina, this isn't you forgetting. This is him denying."

Hearing those words cracked something open. She realized: the problem wasn't her. It was the distortion she'd been living inside.

Leaving wasn't easy. It never is. But slowly, Nina began rebuilding trust in herself. She started small: choosing meals without second-guessing. Saying no without apologizing. Trusting that her perception was valid.

Today, when someone says, "You're just imagining things," she replies gently:

"No—I know what I saw. And I trust myself."

1. Is gaslighting the same as lying?
   Not exactly. Gaslighting often involves lying, but the core difference is denial of your perception and reality—not just telling a falsehood.

   Can someone gaslight you without realizing it?
   Yes. Some gaslighting is unconscious—people may deny reality to protect themselves from shame or guilt.

   What's the difference between gaslighting and manipulation?
   All gaslighting is manipulation, but not all manipulation is gaslighting. Gaslighting specifically targets your sense of reality.

   How do I know if I'm being gaslit or just sensitive?
   The difference is pattern and power. Occasional disagreements are normal. Gaslighting is a repeated pattern that leaves you doubting yourself more than resolving conflict.

   Can gaslighting happen in healthy relationships?
   No relationship is 100% free of misunderstandings, but consistent gaslighting is a toxic pattern. Healthy relationships welcome honesty and validation, not distortion.

Gaslighting is not just a "toxic behavior." It is a theft of reality. But reality can be reclaimed.

As Brené Brown says, "Owning our story and loving ourselves through that process is the bravest thing that we will ever do."

If you've ever felt the flicker in the room—the confusion, the doubt—know this: you are not too sensitive. You are not imagining things. You are not broken.

You are waking up to the truth. And the truth is the beginning of freedom.